1 00:00:02,536 --> 00:00:03,869 (man on TV) 'And our next contestant is Miss Tasmania.' 2 00:00:03,871 --> 00:00:06,405 'Okay, Miss Tasmania, your question is' 3 00:00:06,407 --> 00:00:07,906 'what do you say to people who claim' 4 00:00:07,908 --> 00:00:09,908 'you're merely a beautiful face and body' 5 00:00:09,910 --> 00:00:11,276 'without a brain?' 6 00:00:11,278 --> 00:00:12,378 (Miss Tasmania) 'Thank you.' 7 00:00:12,380 --> 00:00:14,446 [audience applauding] 8 00:00:14,448 --> 00:00:15,881 What are you watching? 9 00:00:15,883 --> 00:00:19,084 I think it's a United Nations meeting. 10 00:00:19,086 --> 00:00:20,919 That's not the United Nations. 11 00:00:20,921 --> 00:00:24,256 - It's a beauty pageant. - Are you sure? 12 00:00:24,258 --> 00:00:27,059 A minute ago, they asked the ambassador from Spain 13 00:00:27,061 --> 00:00:29,828 "What she would do for world peace?" 14 00:00:29,830 --> 00:00:33,432 She's not the ambassador. She's a contestant. 15 00:00:33,434 --> 00:00:38,037 Oh. Well, I guess that explains why the ambassador from Sweden 16 00:00:38,039 --> 00:00:39,538 was juggling. 17 00:00:43,411 --> 00:00:45,411 [theme music] 18 00:01:01,595 --> 00:01:03,529 [music continues] 19 00:01:46,140 --> 00:01:47,606 [audience applauding on TV] 20 00:01:50,244 --> 00:01:53,979 On Melmac, the judges paraded around in swimsuits 21 00:01:53,981 --> 00:01:57,583 while the contestants sat in the audience. 22 00:01:57,585 --> 00:01:59,551 Well, why were the judges in swimsuits 23 00:01:59,553 --> 00:02:01,553 and not the contestants? 24 00:02:01,555 --> 00:02:03,689 The judges had better bodies. 25 00:02:04,825 --> 00:02:08,127 Hey, Kate. I'd like to see you do that. 26 00:02:08,129 --> 00:02:10,095 Plate spinning was never my sport. 27 00:02:12,566 --> 00:02:14,566 Oh, hi, sweetheart. 28 00:02:14,568 --> 00:02:16,702 Hey, you're home early. Where's Rick? 29 00:02:16,704 --> 00:02:19,571 Yeah, where's that jerk with the earring? 30 00:02:19,573 --> 00:02:22,040 He's still at the dance. 31 00:02:22,042 --> 00:02:25,744 - Honey, is something wrong? - No-no, nothing is wrong. 32 00:02:25,746 --> 00:02:26,645 [crying] 33 00:02:26,647 --> 00:02:28,847 Lynn, what's the matter? 34 00:02:28,849 --> 00:02:31,216 ALF, will you turn that thing off? 35 00:02:31,218 --> 00:02:33,719 But it's the losers' production number. 36 00:02:35,723 --> 00:02:38,991 ALF, can't you see that Lynnie is upset? 37 00:02:38,993 --> 00:02:40,759 Oh. Sorry. 38 00:02:42,129 --> 00:02:44,163 Lynn, what happened? 39 00:02:45,332 --> 00:02:46,632 Rick and I were at the dance. 40 00:02:46,634 --> 00:02:47,900 We're having a really good time 41 00:02:47,902 --> 00:02:49,701 and then Cindy Bennett showed up. 42 00:02:49,703 --> 00:02:51,270 And Rick asked me if he could dance with her. 43 00:02:51,272 --> 00:02:52,704 So I said, "I suppose." 44 00:02:52,706 --> 00:02:55,774 So, he danced with her, the whole night! 45 00:02:56,710 --> 00:03:00,579 Oh, honey, I'm so sorry. 46 00:03:00,581 --> 00:03:01,947 Cindy Bennett. 47 00:03:01,949 --> 00:03:04,850 Is that that blonde cheerleader in your yearbook? 48 00:03:04,852 --> 00:03:06,385 Yeah. 49 00:03:06,387 --> 00:03:07,920 Wow! 50 00:03:09,723 --> 00:03:12,157 I mean, she's not as pretty as you. 51 00:03:12,159 --> 00:03:14,426 Rick's a jerk for doing what he did. 52 00:03:14,428 --> 00:03:17,029 You know, I don't even blame him. Cindy is gorgeous. 53 00:03:17,031 --> 00:03:18,664 Any guy would want her instead of me. 54 00:03:18,666 --> 00:03:20,599 - Oh, Lynn, that's not true. - Yes, it is. 55 00:03:20,601 --> 00:03:22,234 Oh, honey, I know that you're upset 56 00:03:22,236 --> 00:03:25,837 but you know, these kind of things happen all the time. 57 00:03:25,839 --> 00:03:28,840 Great, you've given me a lot to look forward to. 58 00:03:28,842 --> 00:03:31,910 That's not what I meant. 59 00:03:31,912 --> 00:03:33,712 Let-let me tell you a little story 60 00:03:33,714 --> 00:03:35,247 that might make you feel better. 61 00:03:35,249 --> 00:03:38,050 When I was in high school, I was at this dance 62 00:03:38,052 --> 00:03:39,885 and this really cute-looking guy came over 63 00:03:39,887 --> 00:03:41,453 and started talking to me. 64 00:03:41,455 --> 00:03:42,921 Well, we spent the whole evening together. 65 00:03:42,923 --> 00:03:45,624 It was wonderful until I found out 66 00:03:45,626 --> 00:03:48,060 that he had left his date to be with me. 67 00:03:49,330 --> 00:03:50,596 And? 68 00:03:51,999 --> 00:03:54,766 And even though I kept dating him 69 00:03:54,768 --> 00:03:57,236 I always felt that what he did was wrong. 70 00:03:58,973 --> 00:04:00,105 Thanks, mom. 71 00:04:00,107 --> 00:04:03,475 - I feel much better now. - Sorry. 72 00:04:03,477 --> 00:04:07,279 Excuse me but what happened to the girl who got dumped? 73 00:04:07,281 --> 00:04:08,947 It's not important. 74 00:04:08,949 --> 00:04:11,984 Well, not to you. You got your guy. 75 00:04:14,288 --> 00:04:19,024 I think what your mother is trying to say in her own.. 76 00:04:19,026 --> 00:04:21,260 ...special way.. 77 00:04:21,262 --> 00:04:23,729 ...is that, you know.. 78 00:04:23,731 --> 00:04:25,063 ...you're too good for Rick. 79 00:04:25,065 --> 00:04:27,266 Well, I didn't get that at all. 80 00:04:27,268 --> 00:04:29,334 It sounds to me like she's being punished 81 00:04:29,336 --> 00:04:31,570 for something Kate did. 82 00:04:31,572 --> 00:04:34,473 Don't you have a pageant to watch? 83 00:04:34,475 --> 00:04:37,042 I'm trying to help Lynn. 84 00:04:37,044 --> 00:04:40,379 Well, you're not. Watch your TV show. 85 00:04:40,381 --> 00:04:44,683 Fine! If you need me, Lynn, I'm here for you. 86 00:04:46,253 --> 00:04:48,487 Mom. 87 00:04:48,489 --> 00:04:50,322 Do you think I'm pretty? 88 00:04:50,324 --> 00:04:53,492 Oh. Well, of course, you are. 89 00:04:53,494 --> 00:04:55,961 You are a beautiful young girl. 90 00:04:55,963 --> 00:04:58,864 You have to say that, you're my mother. 91 00:04:58,866 --> 00:05:02,200 Dad, if you were my age, would you ask me out? 92 00:05:02,202 --> 00:05:06,738 Well, if I were your age and you weren't my daughter 93 00:05:06,740 --> 00:05:10,008 and if I weren't married and if I had a car back then-- 94 00:05:10,010 --> 00:05:12,744 See? Dad won't even ask me out. 95 00:05:12,746 --> 00:05:14,746 - Willie.. - Of course, I would. 96 00:05:14,748 --> 00:05:16,815 Lynn, you're a wonderful girl. 97 00:05:16,817 --> 00:05:19,751 You've got a great personality. 98 00:05:19,753 --> 00:05:22,821 Thanks, dad. That's the kiss of death. 99 00:05:25,225 --> 00:05:27,759 Lynnie. 100 00:05:27,761 --> 00:05:30,095 I suppose you're gonna blame me for this. 101 00:05:30,097 --> 00:05:33,365 No, of course not. This isn't your fault. 102 00:05:33,367 --> 00:05:36,068 I know. I just wanted to hear you say it. 103 00:05:37,938 --> 00:05:40,072 Watch your pageant. 104 00:05:40,074 --> 00:05:41,306 [audience applauding on TV] 105 00:05:41,308 --> 00:05:44,109 Oh, hey, look! There's John Candy. 106 00:05:45,512 --> 00:05:48,046 No, wait, that's Miss Bulgaria. 107 00:05:51,952 --> 00:05:55,754 Alright, what do you give me for a Mickey Mackerel card? 108 00:05:55,756 --> 00:05:57,622 What are you guys doing? 109 00:05:57,624 --> 00:05:59,925 Trading bouillabaisseball cards. 110 00:05:59,927 --> 00:06:01,660 What's bouillabaisseball? 111 00:06:01,662 --> 00:06:03,228 It's baseball in Melmac. 112 00:06:03,230 --> 00:06:05,797 Instead of a ball they throw fish guts. 113 00:06:06,667 --> 00:06:08,100 Fish parts. 114 00:06:08,102 --> 00:06:10,802 The guts are sold at the concession stand. 115 00:06:12,139 --> 00:06:13,572 Sorry I asked. 116 00:06:13,574 --> 00:06:16,141 These are neat. Did they come with bubble gum too? 117 00:06:16,143 --> 00:06:19,478 Yeah, two flavors Tabby and Persian. 118 00:06:19,480 --> 00:06:21,813 [telephone rings] 119 00:06:21,815 --> 00:06:24,149 Hello? Yes? 120 00:06:25,119 --> 00:06:27,419 The Miss Southland Pageant? 121 00:06:27,421 --> 00:06:29,688 I-I'm sorry. I'm afraid you must have the wrong number. 122 00:06:29,690 --> 00:06:31,323 No, that's for me. 123 00:06:35,763 --> 00:06:37,896 You'll have to excuse Aunt Sophie. 124 00:06:37,898 --> 00:06:39,264 Sometimes she's here 125 00:06:39,266 --> 00:06:42,033 and sometimes we don't know where she is. 126 00:06:43,003 --> 00:06:44,436 What's ALF doing? 127 00:06:44,438 --> 00:06:46,671 I think that he's entered a beauty pageant. 128 00:06:46,673 --> 00:06:48,306 Shh! 129 00:06:48,308 --> 00:06:50,675 Yeah. Uh-huh. 130 00:06:50,677 --> 00:06:52,511 Yeah. Oh, great! 131 00:06:52,513 --> 00:06:54,212 Yeah, no problem! 132 00:06:54,214 --> 00:06:56,014 Thanks. Ta-ta. 133 00:06:57,017 --> 00:06:58,917 Are you gonna be Miss Southland? 134 00:06:58,919 --> 00:07:01,753 No, unfortunately, the contest isn't open 135 00:07:01,755 --> 00:07:03,789 to professional models. 136 00:07:03,791 --> 00:07:05,757 I entered Lynn. 137 00:07:05,759 --> 00:07:07,159 What? 138 00:07:08,429 --> 00:07:10,362 Hold that thought, Kate. 139 00:07:10,364 --> 00:07:11,663 You're wearing that? 140 00:07:11,665 --> 00:07:14,866 There's a dress code for taking out the garbage? 141 00:07:14,868 --> 00:07:16,701 Brian, take it out for her. 142 00:07:16,703 --> 00:07:20,305 Our little beauty shouldn't be seen carrying trash. 143 00:07:20,307 --> 00:07:23,442 She was ugly enough to take it out yesterday. 144 00:07:25,012 --> 00:07:27,145 - I'll give you a dollar. - Okay. 145 00:07:27,147 --> 00:07:31,016 You owe Brian a dollar. Lynn, you should change. 146 00:07:31,018 --> 00:07:34,186 The lady from Miss Southland will be here any minute. 147 00:07:34,188 --> 00:07:38,557 - What are you talking about? - Connect the dots here. 148 00:07:38,559 --> 00:07:42,093 I entered you in the Miss Southland pageant. 149 00:07:42,095 --> 00:07:45,497 What? ALF, why would you do something like that? 150 00:07:45,499 --> 00:07:47,566 Well, isn't it obvious? 151 00:07:47,568 --> 00:07:49,367 Tell her why, Kate. 152 00:07:49,369 --> 00:07:51,903 Because, he's an idiot! 153 00:07:51,905 --> 00:07:54,606 Thanks for clearing that up. 154 00:07:54,608 --> 00:07:58,577 Lynn, I saw how upset you were after that dance thing. 155 00:07:58,579 --> 00:08:01,313 And I figured if you won this contest.. 156 00:08:01,315 --> 00:08:04,015 Hey, you'd feel better about yourself. 157 00:08:04,017 --> 00:08:06,718 But why didn't you ask me first? 158 00:08:06,720 --> 00:08:08,920 I was afraid you might say no. 159 00:08:08,922 --> 00:08:10,689 You were right. 160 00:08:10,691 --> 00:08:12,591 See, Kate, I'm not an idiot! 161 00:08:14,194 --> 00:08:16,228 I'm not entering the contest, ALF. 162 00:08:16,230 --> 00:08:17,462 But, you'll win! 163 00:08:17,464 --> 00:08:19,364 ALF, I want you to call the pageant people 164 00:08:19,366 --> 00:08:21,566 right this minute. Tell them that Lynn is withdrawing. 165 00:08:21,568 --> 00:08:24,569 See, even my own mother knows I wouldn't have a chance. 166 00:08:24,571 --> 00:08:27,105 Oh, real supportive, Kate. 167 00:08:27,107 --> 00:08:28,907 Honey, that's not what I meant. 168 00:08:28,909 --> 00:08:31,676 Look, I'm not exactly beauty contest material. 169 00:08:31,678 --> 00:08:33,178 Sure you are! Hey! 170 00:08:33,180 --> 00:08:35,547 You should have heard what they thought about your picture. 171 00:08:35,549 --> 00:08:36,815 What picture? 172 00:08:36,817 --> 00:08:39,317 The one from your sweet 16 party. 173 00:08:39,319 --> 00:08:41,553 Oh, ALF, I looked terrible in that picture! 174 00:08:41,555 --> 00:08:43,121 I still had my braces on. 175 00:08:43,123 --> 00:08:45,957 Don't worry. I whited them out! 176 00:08:47,261 --> 00:08:49,194 Oh, great. 177 00:08:49,196 --> 00:08:52,097 Now, before the contest coordinator gets here 178 00:08:52,099 --> 00:08:54,366 I think we should go over your application. 179 00:08:54,368 --> 00:08:55,700 What application? 180 00:08:55,702 --> 00:08:57,402 The one on the desk. 181 00:09:02,376 --> 00:09:05,577 ALF, why did you say my talent was clog dancing? 182 00:09:05,579 --> 00:09:09,881 Well, it's not singing. I've heard you do that. 183 00:09:09,883 --> 00:09:12,851 I have never clog danced in my life! 184 00:09:12,853 --> 00:09:15,453 Oh, it's easy. I mean, what do you do? 185 00:09:15,455 --> 00:09:19,524 You just clog up a sink and dance around it, right? 186 00:09:19,526 --> 00:09:22,894 ALF, you don't clog up a sink to clog dance. 187 00:09:22,896 --> 00:09:24,262 Then, what's the name of the dance 188 00:09:24,264 --> 00:09:26,798 where you do clog up a sink? 189 00:09:26,800 --> 00:09:28,266 There isn't one. 190 00:09:28,268 --> 00:09:31,269 Well, I suggest we call it the funky ALF. 191 00:09:33,373 --> 00:09:35,173 I'm not sending in that application. 192 00:09:35,175 --> 00:09:37,909 Well, too late. They already have a copy. 193 00:09:37,911 --> 00:09:39,945 Forget the contest, ALF. 194 00:09:39,947 --> 00:09:42,113 Fine, give up the scholarship. 195 00:09:42,115 --> 00:09:45,517 - Scholarship? - Give up the car! 196 00:09:45,519 --> 00:09:46,685 Car? 197 00:09:47,888 --> 00:09:49,020 What kind of a car? 198 00:09:49,022 --> 00:09:51,656 Well, I'll give you a hint. 199 00:09:51,658 --> 00:09:53,458 It's spelled with a Z. 200 00:09:54,595 --> 00:09:56,261 I guess it wouldn't hurt to meet this woman. 201 00:09:56,263 --> 00:09:58,430 I think I'll go change. 202 00:09:58,432 --> 00:10:01,299 ALF, just what kind of car is this? 203 00:10:01,301 --> 00:10:04,436 Used. That's spelled with a Z, isn't it? 204 00:10:06,039 --> 00:10:07,639 [instrumental music] 205 00:10:09,309 --> 00:10:12,444 And that's not all that beauty pageants have to offer. 206 00:10:12,446 --> 00:10:15,981 They also teach you about life, help you develop poise 207 00:10:15,983 --> 00:10:20,318 and they lead to lots and lots of wonderful opportunities. 208 00:10:20,320 --> 00:10:24,689 In fact many of our girls have gone on to become hostesses. 209 00:10:24,691 --> 00:10:28,460 Not-not waitresses, mind you. But hostesses. 210 00:10:28,462 --> 00:10:30,462 Oh. 211 00:10:30,464 --> 00:10:34,065 Of course I can't promise you will become a hostess. 212 00:10:34,067 --> 00:10:35,967 I won't get my hopes up. 213 00:10:35,969 --> 00:10:38,269 Listen, do you really think I have a chance of winning. 214 00:10:38,271 --> 00:10:41,940 Well, of course you do. Oh, you're such a pretty girl. 215 00:10:41,942 --> 00:10:44,509 And you have such a lovely smile. 216 00:10:44,511 --> 00:10:47,078 Although it doesn't seem quite as bright 217 00:10:47,080 --> 00:10:49,314 as it does in your picture. 218 00:10:49,316 --> 00:10:53,418 Oh, Lynn's built up a bit of plaque since then. 219 00:10:53,420 --> 00:10:55,186 I see. 220 00:10:55,188 --> 00:10:58,289 Oh, before I forget, it says on your application 221 00:10:58,291 --> 00:11:00,659 that you're a clog dancer. 222 00:11:00,661 --> 00:11:03,395 Do you need any special equipment for that? 223 00:11:03,397 --> 00:11:09,034 No. You just clog up a sink and I'll dance around it. 224 00:11:09,036 --> 00:11:10,735 What? 225 00:11:10,737 --> 00:11:11,970 [laughing] 226 00:11:11,972 --> 00:11:14,839 Oh, oh, you're just joking. 227 00:11:14,841 --> 00:11:18,610 [chuckling] Ah, there's never a dull moment with ol' Lynn around. 228 00:11:18,612 --> 00:11:21,546 Well, I guess I have all the information I need. 229 00:11:21,548 --> 00:11:23,148 I'd better be going. 230 00:11:23,150 --> 00:11:24,716 I start my shift in half an hour 231 00:11:24,718 --> 00:11:27,752 and customers won't know where to sit if I'm not there. 232 00:11:29,890 --> 00:11:31,656 Oh, Miss Bartley, before you go 233 00:11:31,658 --> 00:11:33,124 can I ask you a question? 234 00:11:34,494 --> 00:11:38,563 If I don't win is there some sort of a consolation prize? 235 00:11:38,565 --> 00:11:42,167 Oh, yes, each contest wins a copy of the Miss Southland 236 00:11:42,169 --> 00:11:44,669 home game and a big pumice stone. 237 00:11:45,872 --> 00:11:48,206 Oh, then I guess I can't lose. 238 00:11:48,208 --> 00:11:52,711 Right. Have a pretty day. Bye. 239 00:11:52,713 --> 00:11:54,579 - Goodbye. - Bye. 240 00:11:57,117 --> 00:11:58,883 Well, what do you think? 241 00:11:58,885 --> 00:12:01,052 Well, now that we know her, she might give us a good table 242 00:12:01,054 --> 00:12:03,321 at the pizza bar. 243 00:12:03,323 --> 00:12:06,758 No, no, I mean what do you think about me entering the pageant? 244 00:12:06,760 --> 00:12:09,828 Well, Lynn, you're not really considering it, are you? 245 00:12:09,830 --> 00:12:11,529 Sure, why not? 246 00:12:11,531 --> 00:12:13,898 Well, I don't know, I-I guess I always thought 247 00:12:13,900 --> 00:12:17,001 that beauty pageants were demeaning to women. 248 00:12:17,003 --> 00:12:18,436 Well, maybe you're right, Willie 249 00:12:18,438 --> 00:12:20,338 but one contest isn't gonna hurt her 250 00:12:20,340 --> 00:12:22,474 as long as she doesn't take it too seriously. 251 00:12:22,476 --> 00:12:24,709 You're not gonna take it too seriously, are you? 252 00:12:24,711 --> 00:12:27,779 Mom, I'm clog dancing for a pumice stone. 253 00:12:27,781 --> 00:12:29,314 How serious can I be? 254 00:12:31,618 --> 00:12:36,621 I guess it could be fun, maybe even a learning experience. 255 00:12:36,623 --> 00:12:41,259 - There's nothing to lose. - Just the registration fee. 256 00:12:41,261 --> 00:12:45,363 - How much? - $200. 257 00:12:45,365 --> 00:12:47,832 I guess you know what my reaction's going to be. 258 00:12:47,834 --> 00:12:50,268 Yeah, but I don't think I care to hear it. 259 00:12:54,107 --> 00:12:55,340 [instrumental music] 260 00:12:57,144 --> 00:13:00,178 Come on! Keep those clogs moving! 261 00:13:00,180 --> 00:13:03,882 That's it! Pretend you're mashing boll weevils. 262 00:13:06,586 --> 00:13:08,686 ALF, we're not getting anywhere here. 263 00:13:08,688 --> 00:13:09,988 Sure we are. 264 00:13:09,990 --> 00:13:13,458 A week ago, we didn't even know what clog dancing was. 265 00:13:13,460 --> 00:13:15,627 Now, we're both sick to death of it. 266 00:13:17,197 --> 00:13:19,564 That's it. I'm taking a rest. 267 00:13:19,566 --> 00:13:20,698 [music stops] 268 00:13:20,700 --> 00:13:22,133 There's no time! 269 00:13:22,135 --> 00:13:24,903 We only have six hours until the pageant. 270 00:13:24,905 --> 00:13:26,938 My feet are killing me. 271 00:13:26,940 --> 00:13:28,640 Alright. Alright. 272 00:13:28,642 --> 00:13:31,943 We can work on your saccharine smile, instead. 273 00:13:31,945 --> 00:13:36,581 No! No, please, no more smiling. My face is gonna lock up. 274 00:13:36,583 --> 00:13:38,683 Great! 275 00:13:38,685 --> 00:13:40,819 ALF, you're taking this thing way too seriously. 276 00:13:40,821 --> 00:13:44,389 - I wanted it to be fun. - Hey, you know what's fun? 277 00:13:44,391 --> 00:13:46,958 Cramming for the interview segment. 278 00:13:46,960 --> 00:13:50,995 Now I jotted down a few things that the judges might ask. 279 00:13:50,997 --> 00:13:52,397 Oh, no. 280 00:13:52,399 --> 00:13:54,465 Let's start with the As. 281 00:13:54,467 --> 00:13:58,937 "What do Americans and Australians have in common?" 282 00:13:58,939 --> 00:14:00,405 I don't know. 283 00:14:00,407 --> 00:14:03,007 Alright. I'll give you this one. 284 00:14:03,009 --> 00:14:05,944 They both want world peace. 285 00:14:08,281 --> 00:14:09,948 Question number two. 286 00:14:09,950 --> 00:14:14,018 "What do Americans and Albanians have in common?" 287 00:14:14,020 --> 00:14:15,753 They both want world peace? 288 00:14:15,755 --> 00:14:17,755 Very good. 289 00:14:17,757 --> 00:14:19,357 Question number three. 290 00:14:19,359 --> 00:14:21,292 - "What do Americans--" - ALF! 291 00:14:21,294 --> 00:14:23,194 I don't want to go through a zillion questions 292 00:14:23,196 --> 00:14:24,596 that are all the same. 293 00:14:24,598 --> 00:14:27,332 You don't want to do anything, do you? 294 00:14:27,334 --> 00:14:29,267 Why do I even try? 295 00:14:29,269 --> 00:14:31,436 I mean, I go out of my way to help someone 296 00:14:31,438 --> 00:14:34,405 through a rough period and do they appreciate it? 297 00:14:34,407 --> 00:14:36,641 No, they just complain. 298 00:14:36,643 --> 00:14:39,143 You know, maybe Dear Abby was right. 299 00:14:39,145 --> 00:14:41,379 Maybe I do care too much. 300 00:14:42,782 --> 00:14:47,218 Alright, ALF, what's the next question? 301 00:14:47,220 --> 00:14:50,655 - Are you sure this time? - Yes. 302 00:14:50,657 --> 00:14:51,923 Okay. 303 00:14:51,925 --> 00:14:56,094 "What do Americans and Alpha Centaurians have in common?" 304 00:14:56,096 --> 00:15:01,599 - They both want world peace. - No! Eaah! Wrong! 305 00:15:01,601 --> 00:15:05,336 The Alpha Centaurians have world peace. 306 00:15:05,338 --> 00:15:09,707 - What they want is shoes. - Shoes. 307 00:15:09,709 --> 00:15:13,344 Come on, now. Think before you answer. 308 00:15:13,346 --> 00:15:16,547 Question number four. "What do Americans.." 309 00:15:18,985 --> 00:15:22,520 I don't believe this, 96 stations, and not one of them 310 00:15:22,522 --> 00:15:25,790 is carrying the Miss Southland pageant. 311 00:15:25,792 --> 00:15:30,261 - Well, what do you think? - Oh, Lynn! 312 00:15:30,263 --> 00:15:34,599 You look...stunning! 313 00:15:36,169 --> 00:15:37,635 Thanks, daddy. 314 00:15:37,637 --> 00:15:39,737 Brian, don't you think your sister looks pretty? 315 00:15:39,739 --> 00:15:42,874 If I say yes, am I gonna have to take out the garbage? 316 00:15:42,876 --> 00:15:46,277 - No. - Then I guess she's pretty. 317 00:15:46,279 --> 00:15:47,679 Thanks, Bri. 318 00:15:47,681 --> 00:15:49,414 So, dad, do you really think I have a chance? 319 00:15:49,416 --> 00:15:51,716 Are you kidding? You'll do great. 320 00:15:51,718 --> 00:15:54,319 Now, is this the same Willie who said that beauty pageants 321 00:15:54,321 --> 00:15:55,720 were demeaning to women? 322 00:15:55,722 --> 00:15:57,922 Yeah, but that Willie didn't have a daughter 323 00:15:57,924 --> 00:15:59,657 who's going to win! 324 00:15:59,659 --> 00:16:01,759 ALF, you haven't said anything, 325 00:16:01,761 --> 00:16:04,295 Please, Kate, don't spoil the moment. 326 00:16:04,297 --> 00:16:05,930 What do you think, ALF? 327 00:16:05,932 --> 00:16:09,100 Well, as Grandma Shumway used to tell me 328 00:16:09,102 --> 00:16:12,270 "If you don't have anything nice to say to someone 329 00:16:12,272 --> 00:16:14,605 don't say anything at all." 330 00:16:14,607 --> 00:16:17,342 Then she never spoke to me again. 331 00:16:17,344 --> 00:16:18,810 You don't think I look good? 332 00:16:18,812 --> 00:16:21,546 Well, not as good as you usually do. 333 00:16:21,548 --> 00:16:24,682 - What do you mean? - Let's take it from the top. 334 00:16:24,684 --> 00:16:27,585 Your hair. What happened to it? 335 00:16:27,587 --> 00:16:30,521 I got a permanent. 336 00:16:30,523 --> 00:16:33,257 You mean, it's gonna look like that forever? 337 00:16:33,259 --> 00:16:35,526 [chuckling] No, no, just till it grows out. 338 00:16:35,528 --> 00:16:37,996 Yeah, that's what they said about 339 00:16:37,998 --> 00:16:41,366 this orange dye job of mine. 340 00:16:41,368 --> 00:16:42,900 And that dress. 341 00:16:42,902 --> 00:16:45,436 You look like you're 22 years old. 342 00:16:45,438 --> 00:16:47,171 I was hoping for 25. 343 00:16:47,173 --> 00:16:50,074 Why don't you go the distance and try to look as old as Kate? 344 00:16:52,112 --> 00:16:55,680 You're gonna go the distance, out the door. 345 00:16:55,682 --> 00:16:57,882 ALF, we think she looks nice. 346 00:16:57,884 --> 00:17:02,186 I do too, but she's lost that natural glow. 347 00:17:02,188 --> 00:17:04,555 Now she just looks.. 348 00:17:04,557 --> 00:17:06,224 ...glamorous. 349 00:17:06,226 --> 00:17:07,992 I'll take that as a compliment. 350 00:17:07,994 --> 00:17:09,861 You know, maybe it's the makeup and everything 351 00:17:09,863 --> 00:17:12,096 but I really think that maybe I do have a chance. 352 00:17:12,098 --> 00:17:14,298 You know, I wanted to take a photo of you guys 353 00:17:14,300 --> 00:17:18,302 but now I don't know if I could fit all of Lynn's hair in it. 354 00:17:18,304 --> 00:17:21,439 - Well, let's give it a shot. - Oh, good idea. Come on, Bri. 355 00:17:21,441 --> 00:17:23,574 - Yeah. - Yeah. Right over here. 356 00:17:23,576 --> 00:17:25,877 Oh, wait a minute. Uh, ALF, that's my new camera. 357 00:17:25,879 --> 00:17:27,612 Uh, maybe I should show you how it works. 358 00:17:27,614 --> 00:17:29,714 If I can hot wire your car 359 00:17:29,716 --> 00:17:31,783 I can certainly work a camera. 360 00:17:33,086 --> 00:17:35,653 - You hot wired my-- - Will you stop talking? 361 00:17:35,655 --> 00:17:37,488 You'll ruin the picture. 362 00:17:37,490 --> 00:17:39,457 'Alright, come on, everybody, get together.' 363 00:17:39,459 --> 00:17:41,192 And ready! 364 00:17:41,194 --> 00:17:45,163 One, two, three 365 00:17:45,165 --> 00:17:48,032 'four, five, six--' 366 00:17:48,034 --> 00:17:49,534 What are you doing? 367 00:17:49,536 --> 00:17:51,469 On Melmac, we count to 21 368 00:17:51,471 --> 00:17:53,438 before we take a picture. 369 00:17:54,808 --> 00:17:56,474 Come on, Lynn, we'd better get going. 370 00:17:56,476 --> 00:17:58,042 We don't want to keep those judges waiting. 371 00:17:58,044 --> 00:17:59,844 Sweetheart, we're gonna be back in two hours, alright? 372 00:17:59,846 --> 00:18:02,547 If you have any problems, you call Mrs. Ochmonek. 373 00:18:02,549 --> 00:18:04,649 - '..thirteen, fourteen..' - Goodbye. Good luck. 374 00:18:04,651 --> 00:18:07,652 - Thanks, Bri. Love you. - '...fifteen, sixteen..' 375 00:18:07,654 --> 00:18:13,458 Seventeen, eighteen nineteen, twenty, twenty one! 376 00:18:13,460 --> 00:18:15,293 [camera clicks] 377 00:18:15,295 --> 00:18:17,028 Perfect! 378 00:18:17,030 --> 00:18:18,996 [instrumental music] 379 00:18:21,768 --> 00:18:25,436 I wonder where they are? It's been over two hours. 380 00:18:25,438 --> 00:18:26,971 Well, why don't we play another game? 381 00:18:26,973 --> 00:18:30,675 - How about hide and seek? - Yeah, why not? 382 00:18:30,677 --> 00:18:33,277 Okay, close your eyes and count to ten. 383 00:18:33,279 --> 00:18:35,113 Right. 384 00:18:35,115 --> 00:18:37,448 One, two 385 00:18:37,450 --> 00:18:39,750 three, four 386 00:18:39,752 --> 00:18:42,553 five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. 387 00:18:42,555 --> 00:18:45,056 Okay, Brian. Try to find me. 388 00:18:45,058 --> 00:18:46,858 (Brian) 'You're supposed to find me!' 389 00:18:48,528 --> 00:18:50,428 Well, where are you? 390 00:18:50,430 --> 00:18:52,497 (Brian) 'You have to look for me.' 391 00:18:52,499 --> 00:18:54,866 Why would I wanna do that? 392 00:18:54,868 --> 00:18:57,568 Haven't you ever played hide and seek before? 393 00:18:57,570 --> 00:19:00,505 Yeah. There you are. I win. 394 00:19:02,742 --> 00:19:04,575 - We're back! - What happened? 395 00:19:04,577 --> 00:19:06,577 - Where's your crown? - The winner has it. 396 00:19:06,579 --> 00:19:09,247 Well, get it back from her. 397 00:19:09,249 --> 00:19:12,517 ALF, Lynn didn't exactly win. 398 00:19:12,519 --> 00:19:14,619 - Who beat you? - Everybody. 399 00:19:14,621 --> 00:19:16,187 The hair, huh? 400 00:19:16,189 --> 00:19:18,389 ALF, I didn't lose because of my hair. 401 00:19:18,391 --> 00:19:20,791 And do you know that there were four other clog dancers 402 00:19:20,793 --> 00:19:23,294 including one girl who flew in from the Ozarks? 403 00:19:23,296 --> 00:19:25,062 Lynn, you did your best. 404 00:19:25,064 --> 00:19:28,232 You should really feel good about that. 405 00:19:28,234 --> 00:19:31,536 I know. I just...I just, I really thought I had a chance. 406 00:19:31,538 --> 00:19:34,172 Look, the other girls just had more experience than you. 407 00:19:34,174 --> 00:19:37,175 They've probably entered dozens of these contests. 408 00:19:37,177 --> 00:19:41,145 I guess. You know, I just feel bad about coming in last. 409 00:19:41,147 --> 00:19:45,550 Well, you know, if something happens to those other 32 girls 410 00:19:45,552 --> 00:19:47,752 that crown goes to you. 411 00:19:48,821 --> 00:19:51,222 Thanks, dad. I'll remember that. 412 00:19:51,224 --> 00:19:52,490 If you don't mind, I'm just gonna go 413 00:19:52,492 --> 00:19:54,258 into my room for a while. 414 00:19:57,163 --> 00:20:01,032 Gee. Maybe I should go talk to her. 415 00:20:01,034 --> 00:20:04,001 I was the one who entered her in this thing. 416 00:20:04,003 --> 00:20:07,004 The least I could do is to try to get rid of my guilt. 417 00:20:08,708 --> 00:20:10,708 [instrumental music] 418 00:20:13,680 --> 00:20:15,546 [doorknob rattling] 419 00:20:16,950 --> 00:20:19,550 It's locked, ALF. Go away. 420 00:20:19,552 --> 00:20:21,485 (ALF) 'How'd you know it was me?' 421 00:20:21,487 --> 00:20:23,221 Everyone else knocks first. 422 00:20:24,724 --> 00:20:26,224 [knocking on door] 423 00:20:26,226 --> 00:20:29,126 Alright! Alright! I am coming, ALF. 424 00:20:31,864 --> 00:20:33,698 Now how did you know it was me? 425 00:20:34,901 --> 00:20:37,868 Look, I don't think I wanna talk right now. 426 00:20:37,870 --> 00:20:41,772 You know, my Grandma Shumway used to say that 427 00:20:41,774 --> 00:20:45,109 people should talk about their problems. 428 00:20:45,111 --> 00:20:47,144 She was very wise. 429 00:20:47,146 --> 00:20:48,746 She used to go around warning people 430 00:20:48,748 --> 00:20:51,682 that Melmac was gonna blow up. 431 00:20:51,684 --> 00:20:53,651 And she might have escaped the explosion too 432 00:20:53,653 --> 00:20:55,853 if we hadn't had her committed. 433 00:20:56,956 --> 00:20:58,856 Do you know I actually got to the point 434 00:20:58,858 --> 00:21:00,758 where I thought I might win? 435 00:21:00,760 --> 00:21:02,426 Must have been nuts. 436 00:21:02,428 --> 00:21:03,761 You would have won 437 00:21:03,763 --> 00:21:06,330 if it weren't for that crazy hairdo. 438 00:21:06,332 --> 00:21:08,733 It wasn't the hair. 439 00:21:08,735 --> 00:21:11,269 The other girls were gorgeous. 440 00:21:11,271 --> 00:21:12,937 What are you talking about? 441 00:21:12,939 --> 00:21:15,306 You were the prettiest girl there. 442 00:21:15,308 --> 00:21:17,041 How do you know? 443 00:21:17,043 --> 00:21:20,378 Well, because you're the prettiest girl anywhere. 444 00:21:20,380 --> 00:21:22,046 Come on. 445 00:21:22,048 --> 00:21:23,781 I mean it. 446 00:21:23,783 --> 00:21:26,250 Lynn, I've been everywhere. 447 00:21:26,252 --> 00:21:28,619 From one end of the universe to the other. 448 00:21:28,621 --> 00:21:31,389 Through countless galaxies. 449 00:21:31,391 --> 00:21:33,224 And in all my travels 450 00:21:33,226 --> 00:21:36,260 I've never seen a more beautiful girl 451 00:21:36,262 --> 00:21:37,762 than you. 452 00:21:40,733 --> 00:21:42,133 Thanks, ALF. 453 00:21:43,803 --> 00:21:45,169 [clears throat] 454 00:21:45,171 --> 00:21:46,604 Dad. 455 00:21:46,606 --> 00:21:48,606 Furball, Willie? 456 00:21:48,608 --> 00:21:49,907 Yeah. 457 00:21:49,909 --> 00:21:54,245 ALF...that was very nice. 458 00:21:54,247 --> 00:21:57,982 - Hey, it's the truth. - I know. 459 00:21:57,984 --> 00:22:01,118 I was just coming in to tell Lynn the same thing. 460 00:22:01,120 --> 00:22:02,486 Dad.. 461 00:22:02,488 --> 00:22:04,655 Well, ALF's right, you know. 462 00:22:04,657 --> 00:22:06,357 You should have won. 463 00:22:06,359 --> 00:22:09,960 My clog went flying across the stage. 464 00:22:09,962 --> 00:22:11,028 So what? 465 00:22:11,030 --> 00:22:13,731 Yeah. As long as no one was killed. 466 00:22:14,901 --> 00:22:17,435 Look, I don't know what sort of a scoring system 467 00:22:17,437 --> 00:22:18,703 those judges were using 468 00:22:18,705 --> 00:22:20,404 but I do know they didn't judge you 469 00:22:20,406 --> 00:22:22,239 on any of the important things. 470 00:22:22,241 --> 00:22:25,976 - Like what? - Like who you really are. 471 00:22:25,978 --> 00:22:29,180 A girl who's warm and caring 472 00:22:29,182 --> 00:22:32,750 and...who we love. 473 00:22:32,752 --> 00:22:35,853 So as far as I'm concerned, you won that contest. 474 00:22:35,855 --> 00:22:39,056 I don't think anyone else even came close. 475 00:22:40,493 --> 00:22:42,827 - Thanks, daddy. - Yeah. 476 00:22:43,629 --> 00:22:45,763 This is beautiful. 477 00:22:45,765 --> 00:22:48,632 Don't move. I'll go get the camera. 478 00:22:48,634 --> 00:22:52,536 ALF, it takes you forever to take a picture. 479 00:22:52,538 --> 00:22:55,306 Don't worry. I'll start counting now. 480 00:22:55,308 --> 00:22:57,475 One, two, three 481 00:22:57,477 --> 00:22:59,443 'four, five..' 482 00:23:01,714 --> 00:23:03,314 [instrumental music] 483 00:23:03,316 --> 00:23:05,449 - Hi, ALF! - Hi. 484 00:23:05,451 --> 00:23:08,486 Hey, Kate. Do you think I'm good-looking? 485 00:23:10,189 --> 00:23:11,722 Yeah, sure. 486 00:23:11,724 --> 00:23:13,691 Well, if you were my age 487 00:23:13,693 --> 00:23:16,160 would you go out with me? 488 00:23:16,162 --> 00:23:18,562 Well, if I were your age, and, uh, if I weren't married 489 00:23:18,564 --> 00:23:23,434 and if we were the same species...I guess so. 490 00:23:23,436 --> 00:23:25,870 Yeah? Where would we go? 491 00:23:25,872 --> 00:23:28,406 I don't know. How-how about a "Rocky" film? 492 00:23:28,408 --> 00:23:30,040 Nah, he hasn't been funny 493 00:23:30,042 --> 00:23:32,376 since he broke up with Bullwinkle. 494 00:23:35,248 --> 00:23:36,981 What else you got? 495 00:23:36,983 --> 00:23:38,883 That was it, ALF. 496 00:23:38,885 --> 00:23:40,851 You know, it doesn't sound like you put much thought 497 00:23:40,853 --> 00:23:42,820 into this date. 498 00:23:42,822 --> 00:23:44,722 That's because I haven't. 499 00:23:44,724 --> 00:23:48,192 Well, fine! Why don't we just forget the whole thing, okay? 500 00:23:49,495 --> 00:23:51,495 - Fine with me. - Fine. 501 00:23:52,832 --> 00:23:55,232 Probably wouldn't have worked out anyway. 502 00:23:55,234 --> 00:23:57,301 People would have just stared. 503 00:24:00,039 --> 00:24:02,039 [instrumental music] 504 00:24:04,310 --> 00:24:06,410 [theme music] 505 00:24:31,537 --> 00:24:33,471 [ALF laughing]